Under (Re)Construction

A few years ago, I went through a phase when I attempted to do a complete overhaul of myself.  I reflected on every aspect of my being (my behavior, my personality, my speech, everything...) and attempted to replace the things about me that I believed were not pleasing to God with things that were.  I had a pretty strong circle of mentors who were well seasoned in the faith and had all the character traits that I desired to have.  I looked up to those mentors, married Christian women, to be my guide as to what was acceptable and what was not in God's eyes. 

During this process of re-creation, which I thought would be fairly simple, I began to have doubts that I could achieve the goal of being a "Proverbs 31" woman.  Each time I failed a test, I was very hard on myself.  Each time I lost my temper, uttered a curse word or entertained ungodly thoughts, I would get depressed.  Eventually I said "Screw it!  I can't be like any other woman.  I can only be me."  But what does it mean to "be me"?  What came natural to me were behaviors I had learned from over three decades of  flip-flopping between Christianity and immorality.  When I found it difficult or inconvenient to be a Christian, I would just resort to my 'old ways'.  You know, that Michelle who lived life with no care of consequences.  Who was I kidding?  Certainly not God!  I couldn't keep lying to myself; it was time for me to choose - which master would I serve? 

To "be me" would mean that I would continue to live an ungodly lifestyle from time to time, whenever it was convenient.  To be a Christian means that I am literally a new creation in Christ.  The old me and all my old ways would be dead.  I must learn how to "be me" by imitating Jesus Christ.  I have to be mindful to pray and study scripture constantly.  Not just once in a while, when I have spare time.  I have to make this new life a priority and the only way to be successful is to completely emerge myself in God's word and communicate with Him through prayer so that I can hear His instructions.  When I don't dedicate time throughout the day to communicate with God, I am lost.  But when I do communicate with Him, I make better choices and feel peace knowing I am on the right track.  I also must go to church regularly and associate myself with other believers to stay encouraged and encourage others. 

Now, as difficult as it may sound, it is not impossible.  I have to make a conscious effort each day to be obedient to The Spirit which lives in me and guides my path.  There are times when I fall off the path, sometimes head first into ditch!  But I see myself as a constant work in progress and I am not going to give up.  If Jesus Christ saw me on my worst day as someone worth dying for, then I can make the effort to live for Him!