A few years ago, I went through a phase when I attempted to do a complete overhaul of myself. I reflected on every aspect of my being (my behavior, my personality, my speech, everything...) and attempted to replace the things about me that I believed were not pleasing to God with things that were. I had a pretty strong circle of mentors who were well seasoned in the faith and had all the character traits that I desired to have. I looked up to those mentors, married Christian women, to be my guide as to what was acceptable and what was not in God's eyes.
During this process of re-creation, which I thought would be fairly simple, I began to have doubts that I could achieve the goal of being a "Proverbs 31" woman. Each time I failed a test, I was very hard on myself. Each time I lost my temper, uttered a curse word or entertained ungodly thoughts, I would get depressed. Eventually I said "Screw it! I can't be like any other woman. I can only be me." But what does it mean to "be me"? What came natural to me were behaviors I had learned from over three decades of flip-flopping between Christianity and immorality. When I found it difficult or inconvenient to be a Christian, I would just resort to my 'old ways'. You know, that Michelle who lived life with no care of consequences. Who was I kidding? Certainly not God! I couldn't keep lying to myself; it was time for me to choose - which master would I serve?
To "be me" would mean that I would continue to live an ungodly lifestyle from time to time, whenever it was convenient. To be a Christian means that I am literally a new creation in Christ. The old me and all my old ways would be dead. I must learn how to "be me" by imitating Jesus Christ. I have to be mindful to pray and study scripture constantly. Not just once in a while, when I have spare time. I have to make this new life a priority and the only way to be successful is to completely emerge myself in God's word and communicate with Him through prayer so that I can hear His instructions. When I don't dedicate time throughout the day to communicate with God, I am lost. But when I do communicate with Him, I make better choices and feel peace knowing I am on the right track. I also must go to church regularly and associate myself with other believers to stay encouraged and encourage others.
Now, as difficult as it may sound, it is not impossible. I have to make a conscious effort each day to be obedient to The Spirit which lives in me and guides my path. There are times when I fall off the path, sometimes head first into ditch! But I see myself as a constant work in progress and I am not going to give up. If Jesus Christ saw me on my worst day as someone worth dying for, then I can make the effort to live for Him!
